SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m about five months out from discovery, and while the affairs themselves are obviously devastating, I’m realizing that what’s hitting me even harder now is how everything happened, her behavior during the affairs and especially during discovery.

That’s the part I can’t seem to get past.

For context, this isn’t just about one bad decision or a short lapse in judgment. She had an affair before we got married, brought that person to our wedding, and I had no idea at the time. I walked into what I thought was one of the most meaningful, safe days of my life, not knowing the full reality of what was already happening behind my back.

Then fast forward years later, during discovery, while she was telling me about that affair from sixteen years ago, she was actively still involved in another one. Texting him while I was crying seconds after finding out about the first. Engaged in it. At the same time she was looking me in the eye and starting to "come clean."

That level of compartmentalization and deception is what’s really breaking me.

I keep replaying the choices she made, the lies, the way she was able to act normal, even caring, while doing something so destructive behind my back. It’s not just that she cheated, it’s that she was capable of treating me that way while I loved and trusted her completely. That’s what’s really messing with my head.

I’m trying to understand how people move forward in reconciliation when they’ve seen that side of their partner. How do you look to the future with someone who has shown they can be that version of themselves?

Right now, everything she does feels so....performative. Like she’s saying and doing the "right" things, but I can’t tell if it’s real change or just what she thinks she’s supposed to do. I want to believe it, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not genuine, or at least not deeply rooted.

I also struggle with the timeline of it all. It’s not just past vs present, it feels like the past was never really "past." The deception stretched across years and even overlapped with the moment of disclosure itself. That makes it really hard to feel like I’m standing on anything solid now.

For those further along, does this feeling fade? How do you separate who they were during the affairs from who they’re trying to be now? And how do you rebuild any sense of trust when your mind keeps going back to what they were capable of?

Right now I feel stuck between wanting to move forward and not being able to get past what I’ve already seen. I don’t know if what I’m feeling is part of the normal process at this stage, or if it’s my gut telling me something important that I shouldn’t ignore. I just feel angry and unable to see a future where I can accept what has been done.

For those further along, does this feeling fade? How do you separate who they were during the affairs from who they’re trying to be now? And how do you rebuild any sense of trust when your mind keeps going back to what they were capable of?

My wife is all of the things — she is an amazing person, who proved capable of hurting me and being extremely selfish. So, I don’t separate any versions or actions, I just focus on the changes she was able to make and how she treats me today.

Her big change was understanding why she needed the validation. It is the old bumper sticker, one cannot properly love others if they do not love themselves first.

The trust is rebuilt over time, with consistent, healthier behavior/real change.

It sounds like you need to see a lot more, which I certainly needed, to believe in any of those changes.

I think it was three years into R before I believed my wife’s changes were real.

The past is the past. What you do after d-day is about your future.

Five months is just the beginning. Maybe your WS is, in fact, changing from cheater to good partner. Maybe she's just trying to keep you around for her convenience. Only her behavior over time will tell you. From what I've read here and from my experience, it takes on the order of 2 years, at a minimum, to gain some comfort that one's WS has changed - but more than a few people have found they've been in false R after more like 5 years. The SI rule of thumb is 2-5 years to heal. In fact, R takes longer than that for a lot of us - but completing recovery is different from completing R.

R, IMO, is a process of resolving issues stemming from the A. M(arriage) is a process of resolving day-to-day M issues. In a very real, important sense, R is the same as M.

IMO, R is a good idea only if the WS is a good candidate for R, and texting a new ap when confessing to an old A doesn't meet hat requirement. What makes you think your WS is a good candidate for R? What are you getting out of staying? (I'm sure you have answers to these questions. I'm curious what they are, if you choose to share them.)

Here’s my two cents (and experience).

It is up to you to decide if cheating is a deal breaker. For some people it’s a very clear path and D is the only option. If that is you, then it’s good to know that now.

As others pointed out it takes 2-3 years to start to feel like you have recovered and are on solid footing.

One of the keys to successfully reconciling is the cheater’s actions. Are they consistent? Do decisions made take into account the betrayed’s feelings and/or concerns? Has communication improved? Are questions about the affair being answered honestly and openly? Is there full disclosure or continued trickle truth?

I can share I had no intention of reconciling. But within 2 weeks I saw a change in my H. And I kept thinking "let’s see how the next 30 days go". It wasn’t a straight line by any means. But my H knew there were no guarantees but he chose to attempt to make amends anyway. On his own w/ no help from me.

Luckily for us it was the right choice to R. But I had doubts in the beginning.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 3:54 PM, Monday, April 6th]

@sisoon

"What makes you think your WS is a good candidate for R? What are you getting out of staying?"

I am truly not sure that she is a good candidate, it all seems so performative to be honest. I think she is staying for the family unit and comfort of what I provide. The biggest thing I am getting out of staying is the mental health and stability for the children, and for myself. I do not want to be a part time father as this is not something I signed up for. I have never missed more than one week of consecutive bedtimes in their entire lives. I worry, as it has already happened, the inlaws and toxic people in her life will paint me poorly to my children in the off times. I worry the stability they need and know will be only while at "Dad's" proving to them that I am the mean, unfun one. I want the very best for them in all facets of life.

Gemmy - my FWH turned out to be a good candidate for R....but there was no way I was sure of that 5 months out. At that point, I was barely hanging on...and had so little trust. AND, FWH was figuring out how to be a good candidate for R...it was 3 steps forward and 1 step back for awhile.

It eventually boiled down to what we both did together to repair the chasm caused by the A. At 5 months out, I was just trying to survive.

IF she's not a good candidate for R, then staying for the children does them no favors.

You don't have to make a decision today....AND...you can decide that this marriage doesn't work for you at any time. Take good care of yourself. Going through this is a marathon. It will not happen as quickly as you or the WS wants.

I'm 7 years out....and I can say we are in a better than ever space. But, that couple of years, I wasn't sure about that.

Gemmy,

What you’re feeling is completely normal and I resonate with your post, I also find I need reassurance that what I feel is normal too, a lot.

You are now seeing the sheer magnitude of what your W did, the absolute treason involved and the magnitude of what she is capable of. I honestly don’t even have the words yet myself to describe how this feels but it isn’t nice at all, let yourself feel all the feels you have here, don’t suck anything up, in my experience your body will completely refuse to do that anyway and holding anything in will cause more pain.

Im 16 months out, I still feel the same discomfort with the compartmentalisation and the self deception although as time passes it’s gotten a lot better, the more you see of your changed W the better, you’ll know as time passes if she is performing.

Judging by what you’ve posted of her behavior on here, I would agree your gut is trying to tell you something.
That doesn’t mean you need to immediately get out and file divorce right now. Get yourself to the place where you can really think clearly. Past the overwhelming emotions first.
I don’t think you’ve done the whole written timeline and polygraph so far? Telling that’s what is going to happen and watching her reaction to having to jump through that hoop will also inform you and your gut about how performative she is or is not being.