SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted back in January. You guys were so nice and helpful. I’m meeting with my ex trying to file a dissolution. This is the 2nd time I’ve addended the papers. He says he’s not trying to drag this out but I know he is. Why am I so sad? He’s hurt me so bad but I do still love him. I can’t be with him. I know that. My heart just keeps feeling like this is not fair, this was not my doing, I’m making choices I should have NEVER had to make. Will I feel better if I can finally get the papers filed? It’s been 10 months since the disclosure day and the last time we were together. It’s just so unfair. 26 years of my life. Every memory includes him. He looks terrible. He’s seeking sympathy from anyone who will listen. I do feel like he’s remorseful but I don’t feel like he’s gotten the help he needs. He says he is. When I’m around him at games or stuff for the kids I just get so disgusted by his voice alone. How do I still love him but I’m so disgusted? I’ve prayed so much. I do think I’m doing the right thing. This is what my kids say is right also. How do I do this? How do I get through this? Please pray for me.

What you feel is normal.

Love and hate.
Missing and disgust.

I know all too well.

You took the decision you felt was right, even if painful.
You reclaimed the agency that was stolen from you by your BS and his Affair Partner.

They can’t do anything to stop you, hurt you, manage you.
You are back in control.

And still you have feelings and pain.

Maybe it will feel better when is behind you, because you turned page. If you still feel he changed and you feel is true, nothing stops you to check or allow another chance, under your own conditions.

Divorce doesn’t end that, it just severs your today’s binds to your abuser.
Nothing stops you to try again if you truly want and need, but you are no longer stuck.

Nothing stopping you, but you know there’s a risk. He is capable of that.
There is millions of other men out there that would not.

I felt better after the papers were filed. I felt even better after the court signed off on everything, and better still when I got my share of the money.

Nothing about infidelity is fair. None of it makes sense. Our brains are working off 26 years of ingrained feelings and memories and habits. It will take a lot more than 10 months to rewrite that with new experiences and emotions.

Believe the people who know you and love you (like your kids) if they tell you you're doing the right thing. Find some new hobbies or events to do with friends. Keep moving forward. Each year will be easier than the last.